Sunday's Joke of the Day

Baseball umpires want salary hikes.
The response from the owners is, "Yikes!
Can't afford increased pay."
So the union does say,
"Then our recourse is calling more strikes."
(Kirk Miller)

"I laid down my glasses," said he,
"And now don't know where they could be.
I'm near-sighted, you see,
And I think you'll agree
'Twas really short-sighted of me."
(Kirk Miller)

I borrowed some glasses before
From some guy, just whom, I ain't shore
When they weren't returned
I'll bet he felt burned
He never lens me stuff no more
(Gary Hallock)

"Yes I cussed," to my mom I confessed.
And the punishment you might have guessed:
Washed my mouth out with soap.
"Now let's see how you cope,"
Said my mother to me with much Zest.
(Kirk Miller)

That money talks
I'll not deny.
I heard it once.
It said, "Goodbye."

I asked Farmer Jones ... Why wide he
Had made his new tractor. Replied he,
I need a two seat-ah
Because when I meet a
Nice gal, I will want herbicide me
(Gary Hallock)

An accident really uncanny
Befell an unfortunate granny.
She sat down in a chair
While her false teeth were there,
And bit herself right in the fanny!

My uncle's contrary wife, Nim,
Always loves to just contradict him.
What you say she'll reverse,
Causing things to get terse,
So I call her my dear Auntie-Nim.
(Kirk Miller)

All animals know what they're after
Good health and long lives and loud laughter
Our relatives simian
(Both males and wimian)
Let their joy ring from giraffter
(Cynthia MacGregor)